Identity Issues and Melancholic States

"The great artist is a slave to his ideals."
-Christian Nestell Bovee

Why is it that, I often think of things that has nothing to do with life? With the bearing I am setting it on? I mean, what has my online persona given me? It has given me nothing but grief, headaches, and I shall pass some blame on it. It has limited me. I took up the moniker of Jusuchin Panjirinanu. Jose Rizal. Lorenzo Ruiz. Okazaki Tomoya. Walter von Schenkopf. What had those aliases done to my life?

Once taken up, I can only look fondly or in disgust at the past. These names are all vying for control for dominance. I can be the diplomat and mentor, Jose Rizal/Jusuchin Panjirinanu. I can be the persecutor, Walter von Schenkopf. I can be my dream perfection, Lorenzo Ruiz. I can be the jaded man, Okazaki Tomoya.

So far, I've had much unpleaseant and painful memories with Jusuchin Panjirinanu. My life's a roleplay, always revolving around the circle of friends I have made with Chris, Jen, Mike, and Komm. I am mentor and student, an equal and subordinate. Why is it that I am at times haughty and high up, but sometimes overly humble and depressive? I dunno. I can't categorize myself, nor am I willing to let other categorize me.

Okazaki Tomoya is my current name. I have become an elder Jusuchin Panjirinanu. jaded to the world and merely a simple man. Finding joys at life's simple pleasures. Simple to me. Overly humble around superiors, haughty and oppressive around friends and inferiors. I don't think I can set it straight now. What sort of mask shall I play. Am I what my mother described me as? 'Demonio with the face of a saint?'

I honestly can't say.

Am I Legion? The demon of multiple entities? If so, which entity will take prominence and lead my life? Will it be the diplomat? Persecutor? Jaded veteran? I can't say.

But for now, I am fine. I wish to relinquish Jusuchin Panjirinanu. He has brought such pain to me in 4 years, and it cancels the good, or that good turns bad with age. I can't dwell on the past though. I must look ahead. Thus I want to drop him. And take on another mask. Okazaki Tomoya.

Okazaki is true to his real counterpart. A delinquent in limbo. The one I most connect with. I can't help but wish my life was his. I've yet to recover from this identity struggle, a paradox, seeing that this came about because I want to change to Tomoya's mask. I find trouble in such an unexplainable way. I shove my friends and family away yet I want them to be on my side. Has my quest to change masks turned me into a living paradox?

Man was one to begin with, but this logic is confusing. This mask of Okazaki Tomoya is also slowly taking over my real psyche. I've started on the path of delinquency. Where this will take me, I dunno.

"ARI-GA-TO... (For) giving me birth to this world
ARI-GA-TO... (For) Days we went through together
ARI-GA-TO... (For) Everything you gave me
ARI-GA-TO... I will sing (on) forever"
-Kokoro

Melancholy is depression. No doubt about it. My quest for identity has undoubtedly led me to doubt myself. And in a further exemplification of it. Uncalled for depression. Amplified emotions of self-pity and suicidal tendencies stemming from perceived failures and my inherent curse to micromanage my future. I dream fanciful futures for myself, only to not act on them and to see it fall apart.

This is my world, and I am happy to drown in such feelings, for I see the beauty in such. I see my fanciful dreams. My hopes. And I find them to be stronger when the bitter wine sweetens through actual effort. I have not yet learned to cry freely. I have learned sadness, but not the all too important skill of venting.

Life to me is grim through various ways. The responsibilities and requirements for the real world weight heavily on my childish and naive persona, turning me into the jaded delinquent type that is Okazaki Tomoya. But enough of masks. Melancholic states is the purpose of the latter half of this ranted muse post. I am neutral now, yet I wish for melancholy. I don't know why I do.

I really can't muse on melancholic behavior or states until I am melancholic myself. I guess that will wait until then.

Oh I wish I had someone to talk to. It doesn't matter now.